A potential dating life after almost a year

The last time I had a girlfriend was last year in mid-July which lasted for two and a half years long. Two and a half years is long but it sure did fly by a lot quicker than I thought. Since then I've been a single guy and browsed around from time to time and tried to see any clicks with other girls who come by in my life. Aside from the passive browsing I focused on school. Ever since my breakup I've met four girls. Girl 1 is someone I've known for a couple years already and I started hanging out with her due to my depression of my break up with my previous girlfriend. I'd like to say that I did not hang out with her out of rebounding from my previous relationship, I was really depressed. My depression got a bit out of hand because I lost my emotional support from someone I thought I had a potential future with, someone I believed that I would like to to spend the rest of my life with regardless of her flaws and values. I truly learned to love her even though we had some differences from each other. I'm more of an extrovert while she is an introvert; I talk a lot to the public while she talks a lot only with people she's close to or comfortable with. My depression primarily comes from making the hardest emotional decision of my life, and that was to end my relationship for the better that I did not know of.

My friends were not able to emotionally support me and it has nothing to do with them being bad at it, it's more like my previous is still involved with my friends somehow and I felt I needed to isolate myself out of the problem even if the problem is somewhat related to where I usually am. So, I decided to isolate myself by hanging out with new people like Girl 1. Girl 1 was able to help me get back on my feet with the long dragging semester and because of her emotional support, I started to like her. I felt that possibly her and I had chemistry that could go well. She played video games, she watched silly youtube videos, we acted stupid together, and we horse around  a lot even up to this day. A date life could not work out between her and I because she already had her complicated boy situation. I told her that I'd like to possibly date her but she had to decline for the right reason. So, she drew the line and yes it hit and saddened me. In the end, I wouldn't let that affect how awesome our friendship is. So, today we still act like how we did before I told her that I liked her. She is truly a wonderful person to have around in life. She's one of the the reasons why I steadily recovered from my break up, she was there for me, she talked to me, and comforted me. I can never refuse a friendship after being declined if she was that supportive to me. 

After Girl 1 I eventually came across Girl 2 and we "met at a party." She does not go to my school, she goes to school in San Francisco while I'm here in San Jose, but she lives in San Jose. It started out later in my fall semester prior to getting accepted into the nursing program. We had a common story to share with each other and that's how we started to get more acquainted. So, I took her out several times just to see what she is like and what she is about. Surprisingly, our talks clicked naturally and never did I feel the need to think about, "so what will we talk about next?" Her and I pretty much talked like we were best friends, although we're not, but we've definitely gotten closer. Pretty much almost every weekend I spent time with her and we hung out a lot during my Winter break prior to my first semester of nursing. Over time, her and I really bonded and it got to the point where we looked forward to seeing each other each weekend and we would plan it together. She truly is a wonderful girl. There are several things that I frowned upon initially and that was because she smokes weed and sometimes looks down on herself. Personally, I am not a druggy and refuse to inject things into me, smoke, and do all sorts of illegal activity with alternative drugs. However, I began to realize although she smokes weed she really isn't a bad person and she's not an addict. I've never seen her smoke weed and usually I don't even think about her smoking weed. The only times I think about it are when she mentions it when we're talking at night via text. Sometimes she thinks lowly of herself when it came to me admitting my interest to her. She says I could find someone better, but what if I don't want to? Isn't the point of love to learn to love one rather than find the next girl that tops all others? . Eventually I built interest and attachment to her.

We text kind of like couples because we always say good morning and goodnight, but that has definitely declined a bit due to our busy schedules and us doing our own thing. I honestly miss that in a relationship, but her and I are doing it as friends. To me, I thought it was a cue that was telling me that she might have something for me, but in the end it was just a friendly gesture. Eventually I told her that I had an interest in her, or maybe I liked her, and that I thought it would be cool for us to date as friends and let it grow slowly since we're both busy with our school lives. However, she turned me down for various reasons that saddened me. She admitted that she really cannot imagine a future with me because of my personality being different. I was pretty bummed because I saw so many things in store for her and I, but she did not feel the same. At least, she told me I am a genuine guy who deserves a much better girl. Honestly, I don't like to make comparisons and say who's a better girl. Regardless of what she said, I was drawn to her but she had to draw a line, at least she said she thinks the line is drawn. Eventually, we revisited my rejection once I met girl 4 because her and I were catching up with life. I was rather happy to hear that her and I could have happened if she lived in San Jose again or went to San Jose for school. One factor she believes that it would not work is because she is in SF and I'm in SJ. It's only an hour away and it's not as bad as a LDR (long distance relationship) like my brother is currently in, which is across the globe. I guess she genuinely thinks I'm considered date-able. I'm just glad that her and I are pretty darn close since we text each other pretty much almost everyday and hang out on weekends. Girl 2, thank you for being awesome, I don't care about how sad I was being rejected by you, all that matters is we still stick together even as friends. Maybe one day our chemistry will click if you and I are not currently dating anyone at some point in life. Whatever happens happens, I'm just glad you're still part of my life. My last note to this is, even though it's been a while since all that has happened, I still think I'd date her if the opportunity arises. However, I'll move on with life and see if I really feel that way x amount of days, months, or years from now. 

Moving on to Girl 3 and I'm just going to keep this brief because I feel it's totally not worth mentioning, but to be fair I should mention her. Girl 3 is in my nursing program and I've known her for 3 years. She is super bubbly and super flirty, and boy it eventually became dangerous. Anyhow,  the reason why I started sparking an interest for girl 3 was how touchy and flirty she was with me. To admit, guys like myself, like it when a girl can be flirty and friendly. However, I started to realize how much it started biting me in the ass. To keep it short, her cuteness and flirtatiousness caused me to be too nice to her and very lenient. She's very lazy and a bit dependent of others, especially for school. I basically gave in to helping her with school and notes, and once I started to make that connection that I have interest in her for certain reasons but she does not feel the same, I started to question us. I felt like a school tool for her own success because she only talked to me in regards to school, and  if we ever talked about other stuff the first things we talk about are assignments and school work, then I opened discussion about life. Come on, is school the only thing I want to talk about with someone I'm interested in? NOPE!  Basically, we could never spontaneously talk about life and talk as friends. She was also not responsive to my text messages unless it had to do with school. So, I began to notice the pattern becoming more apparent. I tested her one last time during my Spring break to hang out on one day. However, she flaked on all the possible days I had set up, so I decided she's definitely not someone I want to consider dating. If she can't be a friend to me but a school tool, is there any point to continue? Absolutely not. It was funny, she told me that when we are 30 and still single we should get together. I thought that was funny, but in all honesty I don't think I can ever take that seriously, even though she sounded pretty serious about it. Even if she was serious, no thanks, I don't need a girl who can mind-fuck any guy that she can take advantage of. Afterwards, I told her that I had something for her and she thought it was cute. She said she would have given me the chance, but when I think about it I'm glad I never got that chance because otherwise Girl 4 might have not happened, and I saved a friendship with my closest friend who also had a thing for girl 3. Dicks over chicks in that case because the chick really didn't treat me as well as I feel I deserved. 

Moving on to Girl 4, and who knows she may be the next girl I possibly date? #4 is my lucky number, so could this be the lucky #4? Oh well it's too ahead for me to really think about. I met Girl 4 in my nursing program, and I first talked to her when I was practicing physical assessments with other students. I went into an open lab and there she was on the bed. Naturally, she had that "get the fuck away from me face", but everyone has an idle bitch face, even I look pissed off sometimes when I really am not. Once I heard her talking it changed my perception of her. Looks can be deceiving and no matter how many times I tell myself that, the looks still deceive me. So, I thought she was cool and didn't really think of anything else about her other than, she's a tall Asian in our nursing class. At the time I saw absolutely nothing coming. Then one day I hung out with girl 1 at Amor's cafe and I saw Girl 4 with other nursing friends through the glass wall window, so I went out to say hello to all of them and eventually we got into this conversation about doing the shake after urinating. Yup, that was our first non-academic conversation and it was quite interesting. Eventually, she started to interact with me a little more with simple actions such as commenting on my facebook status updates, and those escalated into silly conversations. At that time, I still didn't see anything towards her, I still saw her as the tall Asian who I talked about doing the shake after urinating. So, as the semester progressed we talked a bit more and started showing our silly sides. At the right time, girl 3 was with me and she told me that girl 4 was like the girl version of my closest friend and I had to agree. So, I eventually started to think about what an interesting girl 4 is. So, the thought of her came up that she is something, but not to the point that I liked her and that I wanted to date her. It was more like a... "HMMmmmm" From there, we talked bit by bit, spammed each other's status updates with conversations, and eventually an event called Battle of the semesters happened, and we talked a lot more there. We were interacting and actually talking a lot, especially screaming at each other. It was fun! It made me realize how fun she is and how she's not just a tall Asian girl who talks about doing a shake after urinating. I saw her as awesome and fun to be with. So, at this point, maybe a bit of interest sparked, but not enough for me to really go out of my way to be with her. However, at the end of the event I asked for her number because it was Spring break, and from there we texted each other throughout break, and eventually I hung out with her during the break because Girl 3 flaked on all the days I wanted to hang out with her. 

Girl 4 and I were basically talking about school and studying, but she opened up to her life with me, which is something I had to get girl 3 to do, but girl 4 really opened that up to me without me prying. To me it showed a sense that she trusted me and was comfortable telling me things, so I we talked more and I guess we got closer. Also, my interest started to spark up more. On April fools I wanted to tell her I have interest in her and make her not believe it because it's April fools! In the end I told her but said, well this is not an April Fools joke, so I was dead honest with her about what I thought and felt. There, that opened the possibility of dating, at least she said she's open to it. But as of now, we're not dating. It's more like I like her and she does not, but she says she has developed feelings, whether it being small, medium, or big, at least it's something. Currently she's in a sticky situation of being in an open dating life with another guy and apparently she does not want to continue on with it, she states "It won't last forever" and "She knows it'll end." I know it's something I could be happy for, but I really can't keep my hopes up because I have to really make myself stand out to her in order for her to have a reason to date me. Pretty much, until the established end of openly dating thay guy, I have competition. I feel confident though that something could happen, but I'm also open to doubt because I shouldn't keep my hopes too high. I'll just live my life with her as it goes and whatever happens happens.

Something interesting happened just recently, more like yesterday. Her and the guy had a talk about being friends and the guy seemed to be accepting of it even though he was rather sad. Girl 4 finally revealed to him and confirmed who I am even though he is following me on Facebook (stalker right?). Apparently, he reads my posts in the public forum, SJSU Confessions and knows I'm "persistent". He's jealous of me, but I really don't see any reason for him to be jealous of me because Girl 4 has nothing but some feelings for me, at least when I asked her if she has developed any feelings, she said "yes." But, those feelings aren't enough for her to like me though. I honestly feel bad for him, it's as if he's scared to commit to Girl 4, which is the reason why Girl 4 slowly slipped away from him. I don't know how she feels towards him now, but it seems they've established the idea of staying friends, but they never said "our open dating life is done." I feel like it can be assumed it is, based on their talk, but it was never declared. So, how do I feel about it? Well, I'm happy that she finally opened up to him and told him about me because I shouldn't be a hidden secret. Even then, he was stalking me for x amount of weeks, so I'm really no big secret to him, but he was a big secret to me in terms of who he is. Eventually, Girl 4 revealed him out of "fairness." Personally, me knowing him does not benefit me in any way. I just know who the guy is and that him and I have a mutual friend. So, technically I met him at a party, but he might not remember me because of my hair? I hope he'll be okay in the end. He may be my runner up in the race, but instead of me being an asshole trying to win I ended up caring for him because I felt it was the righter thing to do. 

So what are my thoughts about girl 4? I know that in the end, based on what she said, that the undeclared-open dating life ending will be declared, if properly communicated. Does that make me excited? kinda, but not really. It gives me an opportunity to be more focused rather than her focusing on two guys with me included. However, I know I still have to prove myself to her that I am willing to commit, and that I would have to make her feel "secure". I'm not sure what she means, but I get the feeling what it could mean. So, I'm not necessarily HAPPY nor EXCITED, I guess I still feel the same even though the race would mean a single man stroll. The question is will I continue? Well, I've gotten this far so I'm not quitting. I truly do like her as a person regardless of how she looks. Of course she's a cute looking girl, but I'm all in for her personality. I look forward to continuing to see her, taking her out, eating lunch/dinner, and whatever is in store for us. How does she currently see me? she sees me as a someone with a potential commitment and has feelings (small or big? I don't know). How do I see her? She's someone I really want to spend my time with and give up a few of my activities just so I can spend time with her. I noticed myself playing a little less video games, so that's an example of compromise! As of now how can we define us? well... there really isn't anything special going on, so we're just friends with a potential commitment. 

What direction do I want to go with her? Well of course I want to date her and make her a part of my life, even though she already is, but I want to feel secure with her too. By secure I'd want to feel that she would commit to me and no other guy before me. I want to be able to confidently declare that we're dating. I don't care if it's called boyfriend/girlfriend, in a relationship, or whatever. I just want to feel that security feeling of monogamy-like relationship. I stay away from open dating relationships because I feel like I might be wasting my time, and I really take committed relationships and dating seriously. It's either I commit or I do not, if the girl cannot commit to me then that opportunity is lost because I can confidently say I am one-of-a-kind, even Girl 2 thinks so. I will continue what I've been doing with girl 4 because it makes me happy when I do spend time with her. Until then, anything can happen. I can only hope for something to happen, but whatever happens happens. If nothing happens then what can I do? Just like girl 1, 2, and 3, nothing happened. So, is she my lucky #4? Who knows, I'm in no rush. I just gotta be patient. However, I believe everyone has a time where they will keep going, and if nothing happens within that window of a possible opportunity then it ends. Hopefully I don't have to feel that way, but whatever happens happens.